dream

So I had a dream last night. And I rarely ever remember anything about my dreams. But last night I dreamed that I was driving home, late at night, in a snow storm and that I couldn't see anything about the road I was on except the briefest glimpses that confirmed I was staying in my lane on the highway. Even these momentary glimpses came only once every few minutes; until then I was driving totally blind.

I've never done this before, but something about this dream stuck with me and I had to urge to google it. Just to see what it may have meant. Have you ever done that before? I haven't. But I was kind of curious.

Here's what I found:

"To dream of driving a vehicle represents full control of decision-making. Controlling or navigating the direction in life you are headed. Whoever is driving reflects the aspect of yourself that is influencing your current path. If you are driving and can't see the road ahead it's a sign that you do not know where you are headed in life or don't know what to expect in the near future."

Well, huh. That's true. I haven't felt like I knew where I was headed for a while now. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. Day to day I'm good; but long term... no idea. I've felt like I'm in limbo for a while now. A good limbo though. Like I might be on the right path, but I don't really know what's next.

"To dream that you are driving at night, suggests that you are feel a lack of confidence or enthusiasm for the direction in life you are headed. You feel that something is not as good as it used to be or has taken a turn for the worse. You may be unsure of where you are headed in life. You may be experiencing obstacles toward your goals. You may not feel good making certain decisions or you are afraid to continue on. You may be feeling apprehensive about the future.

Sure. That's about right.

If your view is blocked or obstructed while you are driving it reflects distractions or setbacks. If you are driving down a curvy road it represents difficulties in achieving your goals due to a lack of stability or certainty. You may even feel that your direction in life never stays the same.

If you are driving in the snow, then it means that you need to be extra cautious about how your approach your goals.

... wow.

That's pretty much exactly the feeling that has been nagging at my subconscious, but I have never articulated. Nothing like a random dream to make you wake up.

I'm lost. I keep moving forward because that's the only direction I know how to go. But is that really the right direction? I knew that moving to Des Moines was the right choice. I knew that buying my house was the right choice. Now what?

I spend all day thinking about all the different paths laid out before me. How do I know which one is the right one to follow? What will make me happiest? Which is the road God wants me to follow? I'm so thankful to have options. Having options is hard. And complicated. All the praying I've done has still left me here.

Matthew 6:33-34

I'm weak. I'm lost. I know what I don't want.

Is anyone ever sure?

[sigh]

Smile

The sun is shining, the breeze is blowing... So far today I slept in, I worked out, I biffed it while doing box jumps... I played disc golf, I had drinks with friends on the patio, and now I'm flipping between the Rays-Sox game (go Hellickson!) and the Yankees-Blue Jays game (go Drabek!). All is well in Des Moines. No Complaints here.

Spontaneously Wander!

"Spring was moving in the air above and in the earth below and around him, penetrating even his dark and lowly little house with its spirit of divine discontent and longing." ~ Wind in the Willows

I'm going to Charlotte! Tomorrow! For all of 37 some hours!

Because it's spring and I can.

That is all.

Wander.

(Warning, for a rambling look inside this introverted mind)

wander.

What am I wandering for?

a life lived in search of hygge.

Hygge found and yet... never enough.

I find myself pondering roads not taken.

Where would my life be if I had made different choices. I'd never trade my experiences and friends and yet who doesn't pause and wonder and pause and think, if only? What if I'd?

I found a house. A house in Des Moines. A house that has nearly everything I could possibly ask for and yet... and yet I just can't pull the trigger. I can't take that next step. (stop yelling at me Kinsey)

I'm not ready to settle for Des Moines.

Is that the wrong attitude? Would it truly be settling? What's so wrong with planting roots and sticking around for a while? I have friends here. I have friends who live only a few hours away. I have family a few hours away. I have no good, logical, rational reason why Des Moines isn't enough. and yet...

When I was younger I wondered and awed at the great explorers. Men (mostly) who packed up their things, set out, set sail, and asked, what's next? What's over the horizon? What's over that hill, that mountain? Men with courage; courage and fear.

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear" - Mark Twain

I have friends who have lived their whole lives within hours of where they were born. Why not me? What makes me wander? Want to wander, long to wander; Wanderlust. Fernweh. Am I seeking or running from? Both?

Seeking.

To Seek.

"Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

-Lord Alfred Tennyson

To strive. To seek.

To strive and seek and find. To strive, to seek, to find and yet...

Apparently I'm not the first to struggle with this.

Seek.

"Seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well" - Matthew 6:33

I seek. I seek through daily prayer. I seek through daily time in the Word.

I seek, and yet it simmers. Simmers, just below the surface. This wanting. This wanting to wander. This wanting for more.

Will it ever be enough?

think about birds

I don't generally find myself thinking much about birds. Lately I find myself haunted, almost, by these two...

Blackbird, by the Beatles:

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise"


And then also:

the bluebird by Charles Bukowski
from The Last Night of the Earth Poems...

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be sad.

then I put him back,
but he’s still singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?

If...

I don't know what made me think of it, but for some reason, "If-" by Rudyard Kipling has been on my mind the last few days.

In case you're not familiar with it:

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

-------

I've always felt like, despite his controversial image, Kipling got it mostly* right with this one. Maybe I've just been asking myself too many "If..." questions lately.

"Not all those who wander are lost"


*The line that never sat quite right for me was, "if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you". Who wants to live their life that closed off? right?

Read

It's December 30th. Holy Crap. It's December 30th. Where did 2010 go? Why have I not blogged since April? Was it April? I probably should have double checked that before I started typing.

Anyway, It's the end of 2010. And if I have a regret it's this... I didn't read enough. This picture:

This is the pile of books I gained this year. Some were bought, some were gifts, some were liberated from the back room early reader's copy pile from my Dad's store. My point is, I only read four of them. There is a fifth book I read this year that I can't seem to find...... (Terry Pratchett's Going Postal)... that should be in the pile, and a sixth (CD Payne's Youth in Revolt) that I borrowed from a friend and, of course, returned before moving to Iowa.

I'm embarrassed. Ashamed, even. I only read six books this year? That can't be right. Only six?! Ugh. I guess it's true. Please don't tell my bibliophile parents.

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, but I do have one for 2011: read more! I like reading. Odds are if you're reading this, you know me well enough to know that I like reading.

So here's to next year. And reading the 14 books I'll be carrying over from last year.

run!

I went running today! I find myself a mere 20 min drive from the US National Whitewater Center. So not only does this place have awesome opportunities for rafting and kayaking, but also miles of wooded trails to explore.

Seriously. Don't tell me you wouldn't have rather spent your afternoon out here with me than in your office or wherever. Just look at that lake!

Well, anyway, today was also the first day I used my fancy new phone app "My Tracks" to see how far I went. Not only does this app measure how far, but also how fast, the elevation changes, average overall speed, average "moving speed" (you know, minus those times I stopped to take pictures) and also gives me an awesome little graph of speed overlaying elevation change.

I have to admit I'm pretty proud of myself. I went almost 5km (ok so I forgot to put in english units before starting out) in just over 45 minutes "moving time." Total elevation change over the course: 128m. Max speed: 9.18 km/hr (5.7 mph) and average speed: 6.33 km/hr (3.9 mph). Not bad considering the hills and woods and my fear of bees. ( I only had to sprint away from one bee... but it was huge!)

I won't delude myself into thinking I'm going to start running regularly like this, but it's nice to know it's an option. Maybe once a week? once every two weeks?


Anyone want to go running with me in Charlotte, NC?

Are you sure that's a no?

music music music

Yesterday was a good day. And not just because it was 75, sunny and I played my first round of golf since 2008. (oh and I bought a new putter! it's all shiny and awesome and the grip is blue and it matches my golf bag... ahem, moving on)

Yesterday three new CD's came out that I actually wanted enough to buy the whole album. This has been a rare occurrence in the last few years. I've probably purchased, maybe, 10 whole albums in the past two years. Not to say there haven't been hundreds of songs worth picking up in that time, just that I rarely feel like I need the whole album.

The first two I'd been eagerly anticipating: (Links will all open up the album in iTunes)

New Gorillaz - Plastic Beach! It's much more of the crazy out there Gorillaz, than it is the radio friendly hits Gorillaz, but I love it all the same! So far my favorite tracks are White Flag and Stylo.

New band... Broken Bells with their self-titled album. It's the non- Cee-Lo half of Gnarls Barkley and the frontman of The Shins. I've only listened to it all the way through once so far, but I can already tell it was worth the $9.99.

Unfortunately I'd been so caught up waiting to hear these two albums that I completely missed the release date of the third. I knew it was "spring 2010" but then stopped paying attention.

Frightened Rabbit - The Winter of Mixed Drinks

If I haven't shared my love of Frightened Rabbit with you before, I apologize. Their 2008 album The Midnight Organ Fight is one of those 10 albums I bought in the last few years and if anything I love it even more two years later. If you watch enough prime time TV you've probably heard at least one of the songs off their last album. It's a bit moody and depressing, but not in an emo, I hate my life kind of way... trust me, it's good moody.

Their newest album, however, is everything I loved about The Midnight Organ Fight but more upbeat.

Crap, I have to go to work, but you seriously should check out all these albums. Just do it. You know if you don't, you're probably just going to surf on over to LOLCats or something equally time wasting :D

Seriously North Carolina?

I love snow. But part of our deal was that I would put up with 3 months of humid 95+ degree days in exchange for a winter that rarely dropped below 50 degrees. What gives?

Ok, I do really love the snow :D

Also, because I just keep forgetting to post this picture....

One of the computers at work was reverse Trogdor'd.

give up

Ever just have one of those weeks?
Where nothing seems to go right...
And nothing you do seems to matter?
And every step forward feels like it's immediately followed by one giant push two steps backward?
(sigh)
I'm just having one of those weeks.

I know it will turn around.
It always does.
And of all the things that could be going wrong, my life really isn't that bad.

Some times you just want to wallow...
Keep your hood up and sunglasses on...
Listen to alternately depressing and angry music (don't worry I have playlists for these types of days)...

(sigh)

I need to move back to the midwest.
I miss you all.

Boo Apple

If you haven't yet heard...Apple held a press conference today and announced the iPad. There's been quite a bit of hype about the "new Apple tablet" and to be quite honest I'm disappointed. It's a big iPod Touch. That's it. It's an expensive toy.

I never expected to say this but... Booo Apple. iPad shmiPad.

I want an Apple tablet that could replace my laptop (or at the very least compete with the netbooks out there). I want it to run OSX. Is multitasking really too much to ask for? It's great that they've upped the memory to 64GB, but no USB port? No Flash support?

Seriously Apple.

Weak.

Shiver

Just in case you haven't heard, the South (and most of the rest of the country) has been experiencing record cold temperatures. Have no fear though, I've not become a complete cold weather sissy. We're still talking about daily highs of 35 degrees. I'm just saying that this is abnormally cold for North Carolina... and that I've been eating a lot of comfort food:

Grilled cheese and tomato soup!

Not just any grilled cheese and tomato soup, however, Grilled Havarti and Apple Smoked Garlic Cheddar on Asiago Peppercorn Sourdough. And Roasted Red Pepper Tomato soup. Mmmmmmm.

As you can see in the picture, grilled cheese and tomato soup is never complete without pickles and chocolate milk. Don't laugh until you've tried it. You've probably been missing out on a good thing.

Roll

Tonight I attended my first ever Roller Derby match? bout? I think they're called bouts. Well anyway, my friend Angel had joined the Charlotte Roller Girls a while back and this was their first home event of the season. I didn't really know what to expect, but it was crazy! So many people! So much cheering!

Angel is the purple blur at the bottom of the picture there

Also, at the event were Angel's husband Will (who works at Trader Joe's with me), son Tyler and some of our other friends.

(My friend Chris and Tyler posing)


Who's ready for some Roller Derby?

and yes, that would be Will giving his own son bunny ears

Donate! It's Child's Play!

Hey there! Christmas is soon upon us and if you're like me, you'll do a fair bit of your shopping online. (I talked about this last year, but it's important enough to me to bring up again.)

One of my favorite things about Christmas shopping on Amazon.com is how easy they make donating to Child's Play Charity. Check it out!

Here's a basic overview of what Child's Play does: "With the help of hospital staff, we’ve set up gift wish lists full of video games, toys, and movies. You can go to each hospital’s list and buy a toy, and that toy will be sent to the hospital. Some of these kids are in pretty bad shape. Imagine being stuck alone in a hospital over the holidays... Some of the stuff the hospital will give away for kids to keep, while other gifts (like consoles) will be kept by the hospital for patients to use throughout the year."

I've been blessed in my life with a job I enjoy (most of the time) that pays me enough to take care of my own needs and still have more left over to give away. Whether you want to think of it as tithing or just giving back, if you're thinking about making a donation this holiday season, please consider Child's Play.

All the hospitals affiliated with Child's Play have wish lists saved on amazon.com. Just looking at this year's list from Univ of Iowa Children's Hospital, there are items as simple as a $3 box of crayons, all the way up to a $300 Xbox, with lots of choices in between.

Ok, I'm done on my soap box.

I will soon return to my regularly scheduled programming... aka food pictures and random stories!

Decorate the Store

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving! Hopefully you spent the day with good food and good friends and family. Of course while you were feasting and relaxing, I was working... Woohoo! Don't feel bad though, there were multiple food deliveries throughout the day so I still ate my fill of turkey, stuffing, potatoes, sweet potatoes and more turkey.

In one day we (the store's artist and myself) had to bring down all the Fall and Thanksgiving themed decorations at the store and change it over into "winter holiday" mode. Because calling it Christmas decorations may offend someone. And we can't offend anyone. Of course.

In all honesty I'd really been looking forward to getting this done. Not just because it's nice to have it all completed, but also because we kept our plans top secret from the rest of the store.



We even covered up the doors all day while we worked.

I wish now that we had taken "before" pictures so you could see what the store had looked like. We changed just about every display and decoration.

Ok, that's enough rambling, you really just want to see the pictures, don't you? I recommend clicking the actual picture if you want to see the details of each.

As you approach the store:



The first display:



The entry way:



The next display:



On top of the cooler case:





Display number... 3?



Next:



The corner that isn't quite finished:



The Demo Station:



Did I tell you my cracker assortment joke?



Wine displays:




Front office:



Front displays:





The last? display:




Ok, I maybe lost track, but I think that's all of them. Also, a couple of ends didn't have the product available yet, so there are still some pictures that I'll try and get up in the next week or so.

I think it was time well spent. What do you think?

Eat German nachos

While the rest of the working world dreads Mondays, I love them. Why? because Monday is my Friday!

Huh?

Since I work in a Grocery store, which is of course busiest over the weekend, I take my days off in the middle of the work week. My weekend is Tuesday/Wednesday.

It took me a little while to get used to, but now I love it! When I go out running errands I don't run into traffic or lines. When I go to movies, there's often only a handful of other people there. And last, but not least, The Flying Saucer has Monday night Pint night! With some 80 or so different beers on tap and all of them being $2.75, it's the perfect place to end a long week.

The fact that you can get food like this doesn't hurt:

What sort of heart stopping deliciousness is that?

It's a soft pretzel smothered in swiss cheese and sliced Usinger's bratwurst! (Before you freak out, I didn't eat the whole thing. I would like my heart to continue beating, thank you very much!) I ate just over half of it and it was delicious. Sort of the German equivalent of nachos, don't you think?

Make a mess

Ok, so I know I should set the good example at work. I know I should be neat and organized as I go. But sometimes it's just so satisfying to get on a roll and make a mess...

oops.

Bake

Aah fall weather... 72 and breezy. Ok, so maybe my definition of fall weather has changed a bit since moving to North Carolina. But believe me, if you lived here all summer, you'd be loving the drop to mid 70's too.

As much as I love the new cooler weather (and having bonfire plans for later tonight!) it has also deceived me; deceived me into thinking I can bake. For as long as I can remember my attempts at baking have gone slightly awry. I don't get it. Everything I bake turns out tasty, but the wrong consistency.

exhibit a:

These should be raspberry muffins. I either added too many raspberries or not enough something else. I can't tell. All I know is that they've completely fallen apart. Getting them out of their baking cups was quite the challenge.

This is the remnants of the 12th muffin. Disaster. What else can I say.

I guess I'll have to just stick to cooking. That I can do.

Stare

Chicken tacos at Salsaritas - $6
Sitting outside to eat lunch after a ridiculous morning at work... pretty darn awesome
Being started at through the table while you eat... kind of creepy

Oh pup pup. You're so bizarre. And adorable when you're begging for chicken taco.