not...

One day my high school band director came to class looking pretty horrible, like he was upset about something. We assumed it was a family member or a friend but instead he told us this:

That day the paper had yet another story of a high school shooting and he couldn't help it, he just started crying. His wife told him it was all right, no one they knew, not even this state, he didn't have to let it destroy him like that. But he did. These were innocent kids, someone elses students. He said 'It should make me cry. These kids matter. This is tragic.'

I remember thinking I wish I felt the same way. That I was that empathetic. I'm not. I can't afford to be. There's so much wrong in the world, so much pain and injustice that if every thing cut right through my heart I couldn't read the papers any more, I couldn't hear any news.

There's a song by Kurt Bestor - The Prayer of the Children. Men's Choir sang it at a concert that same semester. My friend Liz, her dad's a photographer for the Milwaukee Journal, supplied pictures of children living in poverty from around the world and they were displayed throughout the song. My heart breaks all over again when I hear it. It was one of those surreal moments both for what it was and what happened as soon as it started. A cell phone rang. (This alone would get you shunned from all further choir concerts, but interrupting this song?) The reality of the world we live in stood up and said 'Remember me? Your job, house, kids, whatever?' The woman felt horrible and apoligized profusely. The song was stopped, the concert puased and then it started over. What timing.

Moments of vulnerability are all I can afford. 20 minutes to cry and ask 'what can I do?' 'where do we go from here?' It's not right. But it's life. The lives we lead. The world we live in. I want to believe my heart isn't hardened to tragedy, I want to believe it's absorbant. The knowledge always present, the feelings, the pain always there. Give it a little sqeeze and it all comes flowing out. I just can't live thinking about tragedy all the time. There's a lot of good. Life should be enjoyed. It's ok to watch star wars and read about our generation. If that sounds callow it's not meant that way. It's about balance. The 10 other good things you did yesterday shouldn't become meaningless because you did 5 stupid things and didn't do that one thing.

I'm not looking to argue; to be right, to be wrong. Just to be honest.

Explore the universe

Just some cool images from the Hubble Telescope, which is soon to be deorbited... bah who needs science and exploration beyond our system when we can go to the moon again.

Quote

"Who ya calling a nerfherder, princess?" Leader of the nerd herd, I know. I own it.

Why is it tv shows and movies always include FTL travel? (faster than light for you non nerds) Everyone assumes someday we'll be able to go that fast. And not to knock all those future scientist out there, but I just don't think it will ever happen. It's just beyond my comprehension. Like the Flatlanders. Read Flatland by Edwin Abbott. Or ask me for a summary sometime. I don't really feel like explaining right now. Really you should just read it.

Star Wars, Star Trek, Farscape, Battlestar all of them...... FTL travel.

Minorly distracted mid post by talk of crazy internet stalker girl. It makes me think about the internet. And what it's become. This tool. This convenience. This crazy anonymous world of anything goes. Anyone else remember bulletin boards? Where you had to type in the phone number of the server you wanted to connect to. Anyone else remember playing LORD? Legend of Red Dragon. Wow. Email was such a big deal back then. I can't stop smiling thinking about it. I kinda miss it.

Find something to celebrate

February
Imbolc
Candlemas
Spring
White rabbit
Reading an entire book in less than 24 hours just because
Manchester United spanking Arsenal at Highbury (or so I can hope)
Learning for the fun of it
Jim's birthday... or maybe that's tomorrow...

What will you celebrate today?

Make more lists

Speaking of graduate schools... What do you think about the University of Vermont? I know that I want to go somewhere with mountains and snow, so I'd been leaning towards moving west. Maybe Oregon, Washington or Northern California, because yes I love rain. Jason wants to live anywhere with an airline hub. Matt wants to live in Southern California... but I like having all 4 seasons... and I don't surf. Not that I couldn't learn. In fact I'd love to learn, but I'm just not a hot weather person nor am I a "big city" person. I don't want to deal with traffic jams.

Appealing things about Vermont:
1) 4 seasons... Mild summer, colorful fall, freezing snowy winter, muddy spring.
2) Mountains.
3) Both kinds of skiing.
4) On Lake Champlain
5) The country's smallest big city... Burlington is only 40,000 with a metro area of 150,000 or so.
6) Graduate schools for both math and public health.
7) Progressive, liberal.... blue state america... these people elected Dean for pete's sake.

Cons:
1) No baseball stadiums... or any other pro sports teams for that matter.
2) Far away from family in the midwest and friends headed west.
3) Being the one with an accent.
4) No tornados... yes this is a con. I love summer storm systems, storm chasing.
5) Too liberal? Do I really want to be at the right end of the spectrum?

Do you have an opinion about Vermont? Feedback is appreciated.

Change classes two weeks into semester

WOOHOO! So I got waitlisted last november for a class I wanted to take and they called yesterday saying there was an opening. Now the class itself isn't all that exciting, but it's far better then the class I had chosen to replace it. Just a few reasons:

1) New class is web based... so now I just have class MWF 8:30-11:30
2) I sit at a computer 15+ hours a week and get paid. So I'd like to think that at some point in there I could get some web based learning done.
3) No more Professor Han. The crazy man who drones on for 40 minutes about obscure theory and proofs and then only has 10 minutes to do an example problem, leaving the entire class confused and angry.
4) New class is Epidiemiology. It really is time I decide whether or not I want to go to Public Health Graduate School. After Biostatistics I felt fairly blah about it, so maybe I'll like Epidiemiology. If I don't, that's one more option crossed off the list.

Hopefully it all goes well.

Fold shirts in a really cool way

http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/fold.php

Uh huh. Watch it. Learn to do it. It will rock your world

Make New Year's resolutions

I always make resolutions. Everyone does, right? Not this year. They just get broken in the first week anyway. If something needs to change it's not going to happen because I became 2005 and I "resolved" to change it.

Hooray 2005. Hooray 2 more weeks of break. Hooray only showering once so far in the new year. (Don't worryI'll shower tomorrow before going out in public)

Put God back into the equation

Rereading my last post I noticed that I never mentioned God. I know I thought about Him. And that He was there. I think I'm just not used to talking about His influence "out loud." God was in my life during that whole time. He's what got me through all the bad days. No matter how lost I felt I always found shelter in His arms. It isn't normal for me to sit down and share all the ways He worked and used the events in my life, eventhough I know He was there. God is the reason I don't worry so much about where I'm headed anymore, God's my yesterday, today and tomorrow. I just ask for the strength to follow where He leads.

Spend way too much time alone in the car

As a direct result of my parents now living in Illinois and my friends being in Milwaukee, I seem to spend a very large percentage of my breaks alone and in the car driving the 73 miles between my new house and Whitefish Bay. This is both good and bad. Most nights I don't mind the drive. I've always enjoyed driving as a chance to relax, listen to music and just think about everything and nothing. Some nights I'm just too tired and don't want to have to spend the next hour plus in a car let alone the next 5 minutes it used to take to get home. Other nights, like tonight, I start thinking about serious things, which leads me to here. I guess it's not really a good blog post topic and at this point it may or may not get posted at all, but I definitely needed to get it out and blogging seemed like the easiest way. Most of this was before I really knew any of the people who may read this so that makes me uneasy. And I know Jess has my page linked on hers so knowing people I don't know real well makes me a little bit afraid to share all this, but I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't ever look back and change anything I did because it made me into Me. And I like who I am right now. I'm happier right now then I think I've ever been.

Fall 2001: We all leave for college; saying tearful goodbyes, promising to talk all the time, counting down the says to Thanksgiving break. Everyone else seems to be making friends right away. In the first week Matt has a girlfriend, Jason joins a frat, Abby has made 6 new best friends who spend all their time together, and I'm sitting in my room feeling rather lonely and left out. Sure I met the people on my floor. They seemed all right. I never intended to really be long term friends with any of them. The more time I spent with them the more I liked them, but I found myself being pulled in two different directions. There were the floor friends that I'd gone out partying with and broke several dorm rules with (usual freshmen year mayhem) and then there were the Verve/24-7 friends. I didn't really feel like I clicked with any of them, but by hanging out with both groups I sort of found an equilibrium. The year passed fairly smoothly with a few rather large bumps in the road, but life moved on. (bumps being September 11th, two of my best friends deciding to date while at schools in different states, Tony not knowing how to keep his mouth shut and only one near death experience and the subsequent mental/emotional break down. All these are longer stories then we have time here for) Then I moved home and the real fun began. I was stoked about the summer. I had a sweet job lined up, everyone was home, it was going to be awesome. And then they told me. "You're mom's going to accept a job in Chicago and we're moving at the end of the summer. But you can't tell anyone for a few weeks until it all becomes definite." Oh. Well then. So there I sat, finally just grateful to be back home, with the friends completely like me, no discomfort because I was either the "Bad one" or the "Good one." Just me. Us. The way it had been.

I only recently have come to realize how angry I was at my parents then. It just sat there boiling beneath the surface. And then Abby and I kept getting into these fights because she worked all the time and we never really saw each other and we both blamed each other and I know now I was just so afraid of losing my friends to the move that not seeing the one person I was always able to talk to about anything was slowly driving me even crazier. We had The Fight. A knock down, no punches pulled, true I hate you right now fight. Stupid things were said. Mostly by me. Things like "fine, goodbye, I'll talk to you in a couple years." Looking back I never actually believed 2 years could go by without us talking.

So now I'm headed back to school, knowing I won't ever live in Whitefish Bay again, knowing this year classes are way more important because I have to apply to Pharmacy school. One of Amy's best friends from home transfers to the University and moves in with her. Jen and I become friends imediately. We're much more similar than Amy and I. Which isn't necessarily good. I'm still angry about moving. I start becoming fairly destructive. I don't want this to sound like I'm trying to put it off on anyone else. I'm not. It was all me. The situations I put myself in. The choices I made. I spent a lot of time with Jen. Where Amy will always be the good child, studious, hard working, Jen was a drinker and had a past more like mine. There was The Weekend. Almost 36 hours of non-sobriety, I can't say I was truly drunk the whole time, but it was close. I didn't spend as much time with Amy. Later she'd admit that she didn't really feel included that semester. But her family was in town almost every weekend and so we often chose to not be around that craziness and therefore, not around her. She didn't know about the drinking that went on when she wasn't around. Kinsey did, but she just chose to disapprove and not be around for it. I skipped more and more class. I stopped studying altogether. My schedule was also pretty messed up. 7:30 MWF, nothing TTh. I really wasn't sleeping well at all, drinking to fall asleep more and more often. By the time my parents visited in November they said I looked horrible, like I was dying. It was pretty much killing me slowly. I tried to turn it all around in December. I emailed Abby apoligizing, wishing none of it had happened, hoping we could be friends still. The response I got was less then excited about being my friend again and seemed a little bit angry. Fine. Then I'll just write you out of my life completely. I pretty much did.

Jen transfered back to Northwestern ( orange city) after the end of semester and second semester that year wasn't really much better then the first. I still didn't see much of Amy; She was always studying, I never did. My grades were falling again. I hated half my classes. More drinking. Little sleep. 8:30 class 4 days a week that I rarely made it to. Spring break rolls around and I find out 3 of my 4 grandparents are in the hospital for various illnesses and surgeries. Great. Just what I needed. It's the March, which by this point had become the month also known as mental and emotional break down month. I had a 5 year streak going by then. I can't visit my dying grandfather because all week the other cousins have been crowding his hospital room and the doctors say no more visitors until next week, but it's saturday and I have class on monday. The last place I want to be is iowa city. At this point I'm feeling so distant from all my friends at school I don't even tell anyone what's going on. I'm moody and angry for the next few weeks. Snapping at everyone even when it's undeserved. I can't even cry at the funeral I'm so numb at this point. I'm wait listed for pharmacy. I don't even care. I don't want to be a pharmacist anymore.

I never do find a job that summer. I blame it on a new city. Not knowing anyone. I spend my time and money on parties in Milwaukee: beer, pot, gas money, driving drunk for the first time. Oh yea my summer's going great. The anger at my parents is back. If we still lived in Milwaukee I could be spending more time with my friends. I would have a good job, something to do. This is making my summer sound horrible, but it really wasn't. I had a lot of fun. Both in Milwaukee and a trip over the 4th to visit Sioux Center. Life's not too bad when your days are spent sleeping late, reading outside in the sun all afternoon and partying with your friends at night. Fun doesn't equal good however. I also haven't really been talking to Aaron and Colin lately and that makes life harder. Then Aaron and Colin are fighting and I just don't know what to do. It seemed fairly serious and I didn't know what I'd do with out them. Just in time for school to start again. New major. New direction. New apartment. New challenges. It was a good change though. I was doing better in school, I was drinking rarely if at all. Sure there were some minor problems that stemmed from adjusting to living with Amy and Kinsey, but over all life was good. I made some new friends and to be honest the year passed in a bit of a blur. Nothing really stands out.

Time is moving way to fast at this point. How am I six months from graduation? What was the point of this post when it started an hour ago? Ok well that question I can answer, I really was just thinking about a lot of things and it was good to get them out. Sorry if it was too much information or too boring. It's unusual for me but I feel content, happy. I don't know what I'll be doing a year from now or five years and I'm ok with that. I know that tomorrow I'll see friends I've known for all my life. I know that a week and a half from now, new friends will become the first to actually visit Whitefish Bay. And that's enough. I don't need to know any more. Today was a good day. Next week might be a bad one. But overall the worst tomorrow can be is still light years ahead of where I was two years ago. I'm even happy to live in Highland Park. Who knew that could happen?