So I "talked" to Bill today. And the quotes are there cuz really I just texted him, but it was one of our marathon hours long text conversations where dozens of messages are sent. Last time I was in Iowa City I didn't bring up moving to Seattle. Mostly because we were at the Farley's and it would have become a huge "where is your life going" deal. Also because at the time I didn't have as much of a plan.
Of course it comes up today. And it's a lot to explain in text messaging format. So four long messages later the only response I get is "Who's Matt?" Well, one of my best friends from high school. "Oh ok. Sweet" Does that seem weird to anyone else? That's what you just chose to focus on? no other questions. just that. and then it occurs to me that I'm not so good at sharing the details. Amy and Kinsey know all about my friends from high school because they were there for 4 years of the stories and the ridiculousness. But does anyone else really? What does that sound like out of context?
I'm very all or nothing with friendships. If you want to know that you have to be willing to hear about all this other stuff, because if I'm gonna trust you I want you to know it all. It's amazing how alcohol has MADE some of these friendships just happen.
In high school I was told that people couldn't figure me out, I was too private. They felt like I knew everything and they knew nothing. So I tried to change. And I think I really did. As much as you can when you're 17. (like at 22 I'm so much better) And then, I had that huge fight with Abby. And all of a sudden trusting people didn't seem worth it anymore. Sophmore year wasn't the best year for me. I know that now. And I can see the reason behind what I did, and the good that has come out of the bad. So now I'm trying to get back to that place I was freshman year. It's slow, but I'm trying. So be patient. Ask me questions, and make me answer them. Deep down I really want to, but I think I'm still just a little bit afraid.
afraid of seeming weak, afraid that you'll get sick of listening to me, afraid that you'll use what you know against me somehow, afraid that I'm not the person you think I am and once you find out you'll like me less.
