Rereading my last post I noticed that I never mentioned God. I know I thought about Him. And that He was there. I think I'm just not used to talking about His influence "out loud." God was in my life during that whole time. He's what got me through all the bad days. No matter how lost I felt I always found shelter in His arms. It isn't normal for me to sit down and share all the ways He worked and used the events in my life, eventhough I know He was there. God is the reason I don't worry so much about where I'm headed anymore, God's my yesterday, today and tomorrow. I just ask for the strength to follow where He leads.
Saturday, December 25
Wednesday, December 22
Spend way too much time alone in the car
As a direct result of my parents now living in Illinois and my friends being in Milwaukee, I seem to spend a very large percentage of my breaks alone and in the car driving the 73 miles between my new house and Whitefish Bay. This is both good and bad. Most nights I don't mind the drive. I've always enjoyed driving as a chance to relax, listen to music and just think about everything and nothing. Some nights I'm just too tired and don't want to have to spend the next hour plus in a car let alone the next 5 minutes it used to take to get home. Other nights, like tonight, I start thinking about serious things, which leads me to here. I guess it's not really a good blog post topic and at this point it may or may not get posted at all, but I definitely needed to get it out and blogging seemed like the easiest way. Most of this was before I really knew any of the people who may read this so that makes me uneasy. And I know Jess has my page linked on hers so knowing people I don't know real well makes me a little bit afraid to share all this, but I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't ever look back and change anything I did because it made me into Me. And I like who I am right now. I'm happier right now then I think I've ever been.
Fall 2001: We all leave for college; saying tearful goodbyes, promising to talk all the time, counting down the says to Thanksgiving break. Everyone else seems to be making friends right away. In the first week Matt has a girlfriend, Jason joins a frat, Abby has made 6 new best friends who spend all their time together, and I'm sitting in my room feeling rather lonely and left out. Sure I met the people on my floor. They seemed all right. I never intended to really be long term friends with any of them. The more time I spent with them the more I liked them, but I found myself being pulled in two different directions. There were the floor friends that I'd gone out partying with and broke several dorm rules with (usual freshmen year mayhem) and then there were the Verve/24-7 friends. I didn't really feel like I clicked with any of them, but by hanging out with both groups I sort of found an equilibrium. The year passed fairly smoothly with a few rather large bumps in the road, but life moved on. (bumps being September 11th, two of my best friends deciding to date while at schools in different states, Tony not knowing how to keep his mouth shut and only one near death experience and the subsequent mental/emotional break down. All these are longer stories then we have time here for) Then I moved home and the real fun began. I was stoked about the summer. I had a sweet job lined up, everyone was home, it was going to be awesome. And then they told me. "You're mom's going to accept a job in Chicago and we're moving at the end of the summer. But you can't tell anyone for a few weeks until it all becomes definite." Oh. Well then. So there I sat, finally just grateful to be back home, with the friends completely like me, no discomfort because I was either the "Bad one" or the "Good one." Just me. Us. The way it had been.
I only recently have come to realize how angry I was at my parents then. It just sat there boiling beneath the surface. And then Abby and I kept getting into these fights because she worked all the time and we never really saw each other and we both blamed each other and I know now I was just so afraid of losing my friends to the move that not seeing the one person I was always able to talk to about anything was slowly driving me even crazier. We had The Fight. A knock down, no punches pulled, true I hate you right now fight. Stupid things were said. Mostly by me. Things like "fine, goodbye, I'll talk to you in a couple years." Looking back I never actually believed 2 years could go by without us talking.
So now I'm headed back to school, knowing I won't ever live in Whitefish Bay again, knowing this year classes are way more important because I have to apply to Pharmacy school. One of Amy's best friends from home transfers to the University and moves in with her. Jen and I become friends imediately. We're much more similar than Amy and I. Which isn't necessarily good. I'm still angry about moving. I start becoming fairly destructive. I don't want this to sound like I'm trying to put it off on anyone else. I'm not. It was all me. The situations I put myself in. The choices I made. I spent a lot of time with Jen. Where Amy will always be the good child, studious, hard working, Jen was a drinker and had a past more like mine. There was The Weekend. Almost 36 hours of non-sobriety, I can't say I was truly drunk the whole time, but it was close. I didn't spend as much time with Amy. Later she'd admit that she didn't really feel included that semester. But her family was in town almost every weekend and so we often chose to not be around that craziness and therefore, not around her. She didn't know about the drinking that went on when she wasn't around. Kinsey did, but she just chose to disapprove and not be around for it. I skipped more and more class. I stopped studying altogether. My schedule was also pretty messed up. 7:30 MWF, nothing TTh. I really wasn't sleeping well at all, drinking to fall asleep more and more often. By the time my parents visited in November they said I looked horrible, like I was dying. It was pretty much killing me slowly. I tried to turn it all around in December. I emailed Abby apoligizing, wishing none of it had happened, hoping we could be friends still. The response I got was less then excited about being my friend again and seemed a little bit angry. Fine. Then I'll just write you out of my life completely. I pretty much did.
Jen transfered back to Northwestern ( orange city) after the end of semester and second semester that year wasn't really much better then the first. I still didn't see much of Amy; She was always studying, I never did. My grades were falling again. I hated half my classes. More drinking. Little sleep. 8:30 class 4 days a week that I rarely made it to. Spring break rolls around and I find out 3 of my 4 grandparents are in the hospital for various illnesses and surgeries. Great. Just what I needed. It's the March, which by this point had become the month also known as mental and emotional break down month. I had a 5 year streak going by then. I can't visit my dying grandfather because all week the other cousins have been crowding his hospital room and the doctors say no more visitors until next week, but it's saturday and I have class on monday. The last place I want to be is iowa city. At this point I'm feeling so distant from all my friends at school I don't even tell anyone what's going on. I'm moody and angry for the next few weeks. Snapping at everyone even when it's undeserved. I can't even cry at the funeral I'm so numb at this point. I'm wait listed for pharmacy. I don't even care. I don't want to be a pharmacist anymore.
I never do find a job that summer. I blame it on a new city. Not knowing anyone. I spend my time and money on parties in Milwaukee: beer, pot, gas money, driving drunk for the first time. Oh yea my summer's going great. The anger at my parents is back. If we still lived in Milwaukee I could be spending more time with my friends. I would have a good job, something to do. This is making my summer sound horrible, but it really wasn't. I had a lot of fun. Both in Milwaukee and a trip over the 4th to visit Sioux Center. Life's not too bad when your days are spent sleeping late, reading outside in the sun all afternoon and partying with your friends at night. Fun doesn't equal good however. I also haven't really been talking to Aaron and Colin lately and that makes life harder. Then Aaron and Colin are fighting and I just don't know what to do. It seemed fairly serious and I didn't know what I'd do with out them. Just in time for school to start again. New major. New direction. New apartment. New challenges. It was a good change though. I was doing better in school, I was drinking rarely if at all. Sure there were some minor problems that stemmed from adjusting to living with Amy and Kinsey, but over all life was good. I made some new friends and to be honest the year passed in a bit of a blur. Nothing really stands out.
Time is moving way to fast at this point. How am I six months from graduation? What was the point of this post when it started an hour ago? Ok well that question I can answer, I really was just thinking about a lot of things and it was good to get them out. Sorry if it was too much information or too boring. It's unusual for me but I feel content, happy. I don't know what I'll be doing a year from now or five years and I'm ok with that. I know that tomorrow I'll see friends I've known for all my life. I know that a week and a half from now, new friends will become the first to actually visit Whitefish Bay. And that's enough. I don't need to know any more. Today was a good day. Next week might be a bad one. But overall the worst tomorrow can be is still light years ahead of where I was two years ago. I'm even happy to live in Highland Park. Who knew that could happen?
Fall 2001: We all leave for college; saying tearful goodbyes, promising to talk all the time, counting down the says to Thanksgiving break. Everyone else seems to be making friends right away. In the first week Matt has a girlfriend, Jason joins a frat, Abby has made 6 new best friends who spend all their time together, and I'm sitting in my room feeling rather lonely and left out. Sure I met the people on my floor. They seemed all right. I never intended to really be long term friends with any of them. The more time I spent with them the more I liked them, but I found myself being pulled in two different directions. There were the floor friends that I'd gone out partying with and broke several dorm rules with (usual freshmen year mayhem) and then there were the Verve/24-7 friends. I didn't really feel like I clicked with any of them, but by hanging out with both groups I sort of found an equilibrium. The year passed fairly smoothly with a few rather large bumps in the road, but life moved on. (bumps being September 11th, two of my best friends deciding to date while at schools in different states, Tony not knowing how to keep his mouth shut and only one near death experience and the subsequent mental/emotional break down. All these are longer stories then we have time here for) Then I moved home and the real fun began. I was stoked about the summer. I had a sweet job lined up, everyone was home, it was going to be awesome. And then they told me. "You're mom's going to accept a job in Chicago and we're moving at the end of the summer. But you can't tell anyone for a few weeks until it all becomes definite." Oh. Well then. So there I sat, finally just grateful to be back home, with the friends completely like me, no discomfort because I was either the "Bad one" or the "Good one." Just me. Us. The way it had been.
I only recently have come to realize how angry I was at my parents then. It just sat there boiling beneath the surface. And then Abby and I kept getting into these fights because she worked all the time and we never really saw each other and we both blamed each other and I know now I was just so afraid of losing my friends to the move that not seeing the one person I was always able to talk to about anything was slowly driving me even crazier. We had The Fight. A knock down, no punches pulled, true I hate you right now fight. Stupid things were said. Mostly by me. Things like "fine, goodbye, I'll talk to you in a couple years." Looking back I never actually believed 2 years could go by without us talking.
So now I'm headed back to school, knowing I won't ever live in Whitefish Bay again, knowing this year classes are way more important because I have to apply to Pharmacy school. One of Amy's best friends from home transfers to the University and moves in with her. Jen and I become friends imediately. We're much more similar than Amy and I. Which isn't necessarily good. I'm still angry about moving. I start becoming fairly destructive. I don't want this to sound like I'm trying to put it off on anyone else. I'm not. It was all me. The situations I put myself in. The choices I made. I spent a lot of time with Jen. Where Amy will always be the good child, studious, hard working, Jen was a drinker and had a past more like mine. There was The Weekend. Almost 36 hours of non-sobriety, I can't say I was truly drunk the whole time, but it was close. I didn't spend as much time with Amy. Later she'd admit that she didn't really feel included that semester. But her family was in town almost every weekend and so we often chose to not be around that craziness and therefore, not around her. She didn't know about the drinking that went on when she wasn't around. Kinsey did, but she just chose to disapprove and not be around for it. I skipped more and more class. I stopped studying altogether. My schedule was also pretty messed up. 7:30 MWF, nothing TTh. I really wasn't sleeping well at all, drinking to fall asleep more and more often. By the time my parents visited in November they said I looked horrible, like I was dying. It was pretty much killing me slowly. I tried to turn it all around in December. I emailed Abby apoligizing, wishing none of it had happened, hoping we could be friends still. The response I got was less then excited about being my friend again and seemed a little bit angry. Fine. Then I'll just write you out of my life completely. I pretty much did.
Jen transfered back to Northwestern ( orange city) after the end of semester and second semester that year wasn't really much better then the first. I still didn't see much of Amy; She was always studying, I never did. My grades were falling again. I hated half my classes. More drinking. Little sleep. 8:30 class 4 days a week that I rarely made it to. Spring break rolls around and I find out 3 of my 4 grandparents are in the hospital for various illnesses and surgeries. Great. Just what I needed. It's the March, which by this point had become the month also known as mental and emotional break down month. I had a 5 year streak going by then. I can't visit my dying grandfather because all week the other cousins have been crowding his hospital room and the doctors say no more visitors until next week, but it's saturday and I have class on monday. The last place I want to be is iowa city. At this point I'm feeling so distant from all my friends at school I don't even tell anyone what's going on. I'm moody and angry for the next few weeks. Snapping at everyone even when it's undeserved. I can't even cry at the funeral I'm so numb at this point. I'm wait listed for pharmacy. I don't even care. I don't want to be a pharmacist anymore.
I never do find a job that summer. I blame it on a new city. Not knowing anyone. I spend my time and money on parties in Milwaukee: beer, pot, gas money, driving drunk for the first time. Oh yea my summer's going great. The anger at my parents is back. If we still lived in Milwaukee I could be spending more time with my friends. I would have a good job, something to do. This is making my summer sound horrible, but it really wasn't. I had a lot of fun. Both in Milwaukee and a trip over the 4th to visit Sioux Center. Life's not too bad when your days are spent sleeping late, reading outside in the sun all afternoon and partying with your friends at night. Fun doesn't equal good however. I also haven't really been talking to Aaron and Colin lately and that makes life harder. Then Aaron and Colin are fighting and I just don't know what to do. It seemed fairly serious and I didn't know what I'd do with out them. Just in time for school to start again. New major. New direction. New apartment. New challenges. It was a good change though. I was doing better in school, I was drinking rarely if at all. Sure there were some minor problems that stemmed from adjusting to living with Amy and Kinsey, but over all life was good. I made some new friends and to be honest the year passed in a bit of a blur. Nothing really stands out.
Time is moving way to fast at this point. How am I six months from graduation? What was the point of this post when it started an hour ago? Ok well that question I can answer, I really was just thinking about a lot of things and it was good to get them out. Sorry if it was too much information or too boring. It's unusual for me but I feel content, happy. I don't know what I'll be doing a year from now or five years and I'm ok with that. I know that tomorrow I'll see friends I've known for all my life. I know that a week and a half from now, new friends will become the first to actually visit Whitefish Bay. And that's enough. I don't need to know any more. Today was a good day. Next week might be a bad one. But overall the worst tomorrow can be is still light years ahead of where I was two years ago. I'm even happy to live in Highland Park. Who knew that could happen?
Monday, December 20
Chug and bowl
Yes that is exactly what it sounds like. Each frame has a different rule. Everyone takes turns picking a rule. Every few turns the rule is "chug and bowl." Alex miraculously improves at bowling the more Miller High Life involved. Should I not say that in my blog? oh well too late. Another great thing: Marta's parents. Always a little bit scary, a little bit fun, a little bit too much information. Oh how I love and miss Milwaukee.
Wednesday, December 15
Play music loud enough to drown out all thoughts
I get yelled at for playing music too loudly. Too loud for who? Maybe just loud enough. Loud enough to drown out the sound of the people talking near you. Loud enough to muffle the noise of the bus. Loud enough to block out all thoughts except for the music. I like that feeling. So I got this cd a while back and it's perfect for that. I love my computer speakers. The sub shook our entire house without sounding staticy when I first tested them at home. But this cd is better in headphones. So I'll sit at my desk or lie on my bed just listening. Not even thinking. Enjoying. How can music do that? And why does different music do that for different people? And I'm not talking about the way you hear a song and it reminds you of something or someone and you have some sort of memory flash. Just the way it can transcend all that. Maybe I'm weird. Check that. I'm weird and maybe in this way I'm unique. Thoughts? comments? favorite cd for this purpose? let me know. I want to hear.
Sell back books and take a nap
I always forget about selling back my books at the end of semester. I start to worry about spending too much money on christmas presents and then the fact that I won't be working for a couple weeks over break and then wham! oh yea. text book money. sometimes, not so much. other times, lots. hopefully this will be a lots year. I sold one back this morning. $57.50 Pretty good. Now if only the others can be worth that much.
Also I haven't really been sleeping well. And don't know why. Of course that's obvious becuase if I knew why I'd fix it and sleep well. But last night I was up until 2:30. just laying there. so i moved to the living room. slept maybe an hour or two on the sofa. layed awake for a while longer. went back to my room around 6 am. slept til my alarm went off at 8:15. It's like i can sleep once it gets light out, but if it's dark I can't seem to sleep soundly. Weird. And no i'm not afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of the smoke detector. But that's another story. Maybe that's still my problem. No. It better not be. That was last January. And I slept fine this summer. The other night it was super hot in our apartment and I couldn't open my window because the condensation had frozen over and so I didn't get to snuggle up in my big down comfortor. That was sad. You know you've always wanted to know all about my sleep problems. Deal.
Also I haven't really been sleeping well. And don't know why. Of course that's obvious becuase if I knew why I'd fix it and sleep well. But last night I was up until 2:30. just laying there. so i moved to the living room. slept maybe an hour or two on the sofa. layed awake for a while longer. went back to my room around 6 am. slept til my alarm went off at 8:15. It's like i can sleep once it gets light out, but if it's dark I can't seem to sleep soundly. Weird. And no i'm not afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of the smoke detector. But that's another story. Maybe that's still my problem. No. It better not be. That was last January. And I slept fine this summer. The other night it was super hot in our apartment and I couldn't open my window because the condensation had frozen over and so I didn't get to snuggle up in my big down comfortor. That was sad. You know you've always wanted to know all about my sleep problems. Deal.
Friday, December 10
Edit posts after calming down about the situation
So I started this post complaining about something insignifcant and by the time I was done typing I felt better about it so I went back and deleted it on the off chance that the person driving me crazy ever someday reads these and would end up mad at me.
Where did the semester go? How am I done with class already? Why is it 48 degrees outside in december? I'm almost completely done with christmas shopping! I just have to find presents for my roomates and something else for my mom. Are you getting me a christmas present? Because I wasn't planning on getting you one. And if you get me one then I have to feel bad about this so let's just agree to not get each other anything. Deal? Deal.
Where did the semester go? How am I done with class already? Why is it 48 degrees outside in december? I'm almost completely done with christmas shopping! I just have to find presents for my roomates and something else for my mom. Are you getting me a christmas present? Because I wasn't planning on getting you one. And if you get me one then I have to feel bad about this so let's just agree to not get each other anything. Deal? Deal.
Do what eveyone else is doing
have you ever...
01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Said 'I love you' and meant it
08. Hugged a tree
09. Bungee jumped
10. Visited Paris
11. Watched a lightning storm at sea (if I can count Lake Michigan as a sea)
12. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
13. Seen the Northern Lights
14. Gone to a huge sports game
15. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
16. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
17. Touched an iceberg
18. Slept under the stars
19. Changed a baby's diaper
20. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
21. Watched a meteor shower
22. Gotten drunk on champagne
23. Given more than you can afford to charity
24. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
25. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
26. Had a food fight
27. Bet on a winning horse
28. Called in sick when you were not ill
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
32. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
33. Held a lamb
34. Enacted a favorite fantasy
35. Taken a midnight skinny dip
36. Taken an ice cold bath
37. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
38. Seen a total eclipse
39. Ridden a roller coaster
40. Hit a home run
41. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
42. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
43. Adopted an accent for an entire day
44. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (general region, not specific town)
45. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
46. Had two hard drives for your computer
47. Visited all 50 states/every county
48. Loved your job
49. Taken care of someone who was bombed
50. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
51. Had amazing friends
52. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
53. Watched wild whales
54. Stolen a sign
55. Backpacked in Europe
56. Taken a road-trip
57. Gone rock climbing
58. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
59. Midnight walk on the beach
60. Visited Ireland
61. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
62. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
63. Visited Japan
64. Benchpressed your own weight
65. Milked a cow
66. Alphabetized your records
67. Pretended to be a superhero
68. Sung karaoke
69. Lounged around in bed all day
70. Gone scuba diving
71. Kissed in the rain
72. Played in the mud
73. Played in the rain
74. Gone to a drive-in theater
75. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
76. Visited the Great Wall of China
77. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
78. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
79. Started a business
80. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
81. Toured ancient sites
82. Taken a martial arts class
83. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
84. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (not D&D but something equally dorky I don't want to talk about...)
85. Gotten married
86. Been in a movie
87. Crashed a party
88. Gone without food for 5 days
89. Made cookies from scratch
90. Won first prize in a costume contest
91. Ridden a gondola in Venice
92. Gotten a tattoo
93. Rafted the Snake River
94. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
95. Got flowers for no reason
97. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
98. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
99. Performed on stage
100. Been to Las Vegas
101. Recorded music
102. Eaten shark
103. Had a one-night stand
104. Gone to Thailand
105. Seen Siouxsie live
106. Bought a house
107. Been in a combat zone
108. Buried one/both of your parents
109. Been on a cruise ship
110. Spoken more than one language fluently
111. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
112. Bounced a check
113. Performed in Rocky Horror
114. Read - and understood - your credit report
115. Raised children
116. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
117. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
118. Created and named your own constellation of stars
119. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
120. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
121. Called or written your Congress person/Member of Parliament
122. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
123. ...more than once?
124. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge/Q E II Bridge
125. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
126. Eaten fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches
127. Had plastic surgery
128. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
129. Wrote articles for a large publication
130. Lost over 100 pounds
131. Held someone while they were having a flashback
132. Piloted an airplane
133. Petted a stingray
134. Broken someone's heart
135. Helped an animal give birth
136. Been fired or laid off from a job
137. Won money on a T.V. game show
138. Broken a bone
139. Killed a human being
140. Gone on an African photo safari
141. Ridden a motorcycle
142. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
143. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
144. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
145. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
146. Ridden a horse
147. Had major surgery
148. Had a snake as a pet
149. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
150. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
151. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
152. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
153. Visited all 7 continents
154. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
155. Eaten kangaroo meat
156. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
157. Been a sperm or egg donor
158. Eaten sushi
159. Had your picture in the newspaper
160. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
161. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
162. Gotten someone fired for their actions
163. Gone back to school
164. Parasailed
165. Changed your name
166. Petted a cockroach
167. Eaten fried green tomatoes
168. Read The Iliad
169. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
170. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
171. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
172. Taught yourself an art from scratch
173. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
174. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
175. Skipped all your school reunions
176. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
177. Been elected to public office
178. Written your own computer language
179. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
180. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
181. Built your own PC from parts
182. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
183. Had a booth at a street fair
184: Dyed your hair
185. Been a DJ
186. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
187. Written your own role playing game
188. Been arrested
189. Shot someone
190. Sang a solo in public, while sober
191. Kissed a hummingbird
192. Given birth
193. Eaten some tree-bark
194. Baked your own bread, without a machine
195. Braided the bread
196. Foraged and eaten wild food, and/or used wild herbs as medicine
197. Climbed a waterfall
198. Walked in total darkness
199. Went snorkling in the Great Barrier Reef
200. Been mistaken as someone of the opposite sex, and they never realized it
201. Had a supernatural experience
202. Performed at a poetry reading
203. Written a play
204. Been strip searched
205. Gotten hate mail from something of yours that had been published
206. Met someone in person who you first knew on-line
207. Cross-dressed on Halloween
208. Told off your boss and quit your job.
209. Held a Hummingbird.
210. Had a poem published
211. Been in love with more than one person at one time.
212. Listened to criticism with an open mind and let it improve you.
213. Truly fallen into a drooling, jerking, snoring sleep in public (I even started talking in my sleep)
214. Worked for a government agency
215. Been willing to forgive someone who lied to you.
216. Hated your job so much you wanted to drop kick your boss
217. Made up fun stories while traveling
218. Wanted to be a rock star
Wednesday, December 8
Move back into the dorms
So I watched a movie in Stanley on monday night and it was kinda weird. (being in the dorms, not the movie. The movie was great. Elf) It was just so awesome and unlike anything I'll ever do again. It was crowded isolation. You could be completely alone just by shutting your door, but you never had to be lonely because there was always someone right down the hall ready and willing to do something with you. Having dinner everynight with the same people, catching up on what was going on. Tuesday night tv. Being adopted by another floor's RA who knows you only as "trouble." Playing Halo at 2 in the morning. Stacks-etball. Dirty playing card Mafia. Team Vodka dominating at Taboo. Having the only person not drinking sent to wednesday night alcohol meetings because the rest of you had wandered off right before public safety showed up. And that was just sophmore year. I remember marveling at how cool it was to be able to walk down the hall when I got sick of doing homework and find someone to watch a movie with. Maybe it's because I never had siblings, so I never experienced having others there all the time. Did you know that about me? I'm an only child. Sometimes people can tell. The greatest thing I've ever been told was "Really? I never would have guessed you were an only child." It sucks having to be aware of not playing into the stereotype. Which I know I used to do, and I'm sure it still comes up every once in a while. I try not to be that person. I wonder what it would have been like to have siblings growing up. A sister. A brother. I always wanted an older brother. And now I have two :D but growing up... that person you can always talk to even though you're completely different people, but you have those shared traumas of family Christmases gone wrong and road trips from hell. That's probably why my friends become so much like family. Why I love going back to playground year after year. Seeing the same kids. Playing kickball all morning. Damn that was an awesome job. Why did I quit? Stupid real world, need to a get a real job, learn real life skills. I have skills already. Skillz with a Z. I can... yea I can't really think of anything good to put right there but there are things! Cool things! Awesome things! Like tackling and thievery. And an ability to spill something and make a mess any where I go. And to tell stupid stories that don't really have a point, like last week when Melissa turned down front row, directly behind the bench Hawks tickets. AAAAH that would have been so sweet! A game we were guaranteed to win! [sigh]
What was I talking about again?
Oh yea, the dorms. Have you ever wondered how different your life would be now if you lived in a different dorm freshman year? I have. All my friends that year were either from my floor, Verve or classes. Weird. I loved the dorms. It was just so convenient.
What was I talking about again?
Oh yea, the dorms. Have you ever wondered how different your life would be now if you lived in a different dorm freshman year? I have. All my friends that year were either from my floor, Verve or classes. Weird. I loved the dorms. It was just so convenient.
Smite things
This all started as a comment on Angie's blog...
How awesome would that be. (being able to smite things) It just sounds cool. "The angel of the Lord smites the Assyrians..." "Jephthah smites the Ammonites..." Who says history isn't cool. History is awesome, when it's not being force-fed to you by a school system that can't quite get it's act together. Speaking of which, I'm feeling the need to vent about my high school... so you may just wanna stop reading here, skip ahead and save yourself some time.
The history dept at WFBHS: My freshman year they decide to switch over from 3 semsters of World History and 2 of US and then gov't to 2 semesters of world, 3 of US and still gov't. Great. I'm all for learning more about US History. Except AP US is 2 semesters your junior year. So you have to spend a semester learning Jamestown to the Civil war and then do it all over again the next year. Which in turn means AP US gets through less, for example we barely got through WWII and therefore didn't know whole sections of questions come AP test time. Awesome. No wonder I only got a 4. I rocked at DBQ's. Well not really, but I remember rocking the one that counted. It's not as though they haven't decided who to invite into AP US by the time you're a sophmore. So why don't they find something better to do with that semester? Because it's Whitefish Bay. grrrrrrr...
Not to say that I disliked the history department totally. I mean Tipple was great, who doesn't love D-train Lane and Mr. Sweeney? and I'll even admit to liking Ms. Duncan, if for no other reason then she seemed to like me and it was great watching Jason have to answer all those questions when he, Nick and I would be talking in the back of class instead of paying attention. Sorry Jase. And model UN? Awesome. Yes, in case you some how missed it, I participated in Wisconsin High School Model UN....... twice. The first year arguing fishing laws as the land locked European nation, The Czech Republic. The second year discussing human rights as Iceland. I still have the big table placard I stole senior year that says Iceland on it. It's up in my room. I am that cool. oh man I totally just remembered Codell and his flags. So sophmore year our principal decides to invest in a set of flags of all the countries of the world and hang them in the hall on the first floor. Simple enough. Except after purchasing the first set, he finds another set for half the price and buys those too, not realizing he can't return the first set. So not only did he blow a couple thousand dollars on flags no one really even cared about in the first place, but now we had TWO sets. It definitely became the thing he was known for. Well that and being too friendly in the hallway. No I don't want to shake your hand. Get away from me you crazy man. aaah high school. Too bad he wasn't smote. The whole school would have attended that assembly.
No more WFB stuff I promise. History stuff. Smiting stuff. You know what was awesome? the power of the Catholic Church at their peak. The Holy Roman Empire. You didn't do crap without their approval. Not to say that they were perfect and didn't do some pretty horrible things. The Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, etc etc... But man did they have absolute power or what. Screw democracy. It doesn't work. Let's go back to a time when angels smote people at the whim of God and Kings bowed to the Church. We'll just do it better and not have all the corruption. Wow am I a nerd. Stupid Prostestants. They ruin everything.
This is why I love books like The Baroque Cycle by Neal Stephenson and even Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. The world was so much cooler back then.
How awesome would that be. (being able to smite things) It just sounds cool. "The angel of the Lord smites the Assyrians..." "Jephthah smites the Ammonites..." Who says history isn't cool. History is awesome, when it's not being force-fed to you by a school system that can't quite get it's act together. Speaking of which, I'm feeling the need to vent about my high school... so you may just wanna stop reading here, skip ahead and save yourself some time.
The history dept at WFBHS: My freshman year they decide to switch over from 3 semsters of World History and 2 of US and then gov't to 2 semesters of world, 3 of US and still gov't. Great. I'm all for learning more about US History. Except AP US is 2 semesters your junior year. So you have to spend a semester learning Jamestown to the Civil war and then do it all over again the next year. Which in turn means AP US gets through less, for example we barely got through WWII and therefore didn't know whole sections of questions come AP test time. Awesome. No wonder I only got a 4. I rocked at DBQ's. Well not really, but I remember rocking the one that counted. It's not as though they haven't decided who to invite into AP US by the time you're a sophmore. So why don't they find something better to do with that semester? Because it's Whitefish Bay. grrrrrrr...
Not to say that I disliked the history department totally. I mean Tipple was great, who doesn't love D-train Lane and Mr. Sweeney? and I'll even admit to liking Ms. Duncan, if for no other reason then she seemed to like me and it was great watching Jason have to answer all those questions when he, Nick and I would be talking in the back of class instead of paying attention. Sorry Jase. And model UN? Awesome. Yes, in case you some how missed it, I participated in Wisconsin High School Model UN....... twice. The first year arguing fishing laws as the land locked European nation, The Czech Republic. The second year discussing human rights as Iceland. I still have the big table placard I stole senior year that says Iceland on it. It's up in my room. I am that cool. oh man I totally just remembered Codell and his flags. So sophmore year our principal decides to invest in a set of flags of all the countries of the world and hang them in the hall on the first floor. Simple enough. Except after purchasing the first set, he finds another set for half the price and buys those too, not realizing he can't return the first set. So not only did he blow a couple thousand dollars on flags no one really even cared about in the first place, but now we had TWO sets. It definitely became the thing he was known for. Well that and being too friendly in the hallway. No I don't want to shake your hand. Get away from me you crazy man. aaah high school. Too bad he wasn't smote. The whole school would have attended that assembly.
No more WFB stuff I promise. History stuff. Smiting stuff. You know what was awesome? the power of the Catholic Church at their peak. The Holy Roman Empire. You didn't do crap without their approval. Not to say that they were perfect and didn't do some pretty horrible things. The Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, etc etc... But man did they have absolute power or what. Screw democracy. It doesn't work. Let's go back to a time when angels smote people at the whim of God and Kings bowed to the Church. We'll just do it better and not have all the corruption. Wow am I a nerd. Stupid Prostestants. They ruin everything.
This is why I love books like The Baroque Cycle by Neal Stephenson and even Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. The world was so much cooler back then.
Monday, December 6
Celebrate St. Nicks
The history of St Nick's Day, as told by me:
The Catholics have always celebrated the Saints and each saint has a feast day. December 6th is the Feast Day of St Nicholas, a 4th century Bishop in Asia Minor who was known for his charity to the poor and as the special patron of children. ("Well-known Santa Claus is a corruption of St Nicholas." )* So for centuries, Catholics celebrated St Nick's as a day of gift giving and then the 25th was reserved for celebrating the birth of Christ; not a fat man in a red suit with a bag of toys. Then those silly Protestants decided they had something against the Saints and chose to stop celebrating his feast day. Thus they chose to give gifts on the 25th, corrupting Jesus's Birthday and turning it into the commercialized holiday we have today. Crazy protestants. **
* Quote taken from "Lives of the Saints (Illustrated)" Catholic Book Publishing Co, New York, 1955. A book no good Catholic child should go without.
** No the Protestants aren't completely to blame, and if you know me you'd realize that sometimes I just like to bash other christian sects for no other reason than Catholics need a reprieve every once in a while. And if you don't know me why are you reading this? You're not one of those creepy people who sits on their computer all day and just surfs blog pages, are you? Because that's just weird...
The Catholics have always celebrated the Saints and each saint has a feast day. December 6th is the Feast Day of St Nicholas, a 4th century Bishop in Asia Minor who was known for his charity to the poor and as the special patron of children. ("Well-known Santa Claus is a corruption of St Nicholas." )* So for centuries, Catholics celebrated St Nick's as a day of gift giving and then the 25th was reserved for celebrating the birth of Christ; not a fat man in a red suit with a bag of toys. Then those silly Protestants decided they had something against the Saints and chose to stop celebrating his feast day. Thus they chose to give gifts on the 25th, corrupting Jesus's Birthday and turning it into the commercialized holiday we have today. Crazy protestants. **
* Quote taken from "Lives of the Saints (Illustrated)" Catholic Book Publishing Co, New York, 1955. A book no good Catholic child should go without.
** No the Protestants aren't completely to blame, and if you know me you'd realize that sometimes I just like to bash other christian sects for no other reason than Catholics need a reprieve every once in a while. And if you don't know me why are you reading this? You're not one of those creepy people who sits on their computer all day and just surfs blog pages, are you? Because that's just weird...
Be completely nonproductive all day
It's not like I have a presentation on Thursday for a class I hate and am only doing so-so in. Hooray for sleeping in. And spending the next 2 hours in bed anway, in that wonderful half awake half asleep state where you can't keep track of time and all you know is the last thing in the world you want to do is get out of bed. Not quite perfect but pretty wonderful none the less. It was made even better by watching guilty pleasure tv shows that I taped forever ago and never got around to watching. No I'm not telling you what. A person can only handle so much mocking of the things they love most in one day, and there's no need to start this early.
Most of my favorite books, movies, tv shows fall into the "guilty pleasure" category. These are the stories I can watch thousands of times and never enjoy any less. These are the stories that have helped shape who I am. So why don't I tell people about them? Well that's not true. Some people know all about them. But these are the few people who are as equally weird as I am. The people who understand that sometimes you just get weirdly obsessed for a while because it happens to them too. The people who, 7 years later, I have learned to fully trust and know that even if 6 months go by and we don't talk, that next conversation will be as comfortable as the last. The people who might as well be family at this point.
Most of my favorite books, movies, tv shows fall into the "guilty pleasure" category. These are the stories I can watch thousands of times and never enjoy any less. These are the stories that have helped shape who I am. So why don't I tell people about them? Well that's not true. Some people know all about them. But these are the few people who are as equally weird as I am. The people who understand that sometimes you just get weirdly obsessed for a while because it happens to them too. The people who, 7 years later, I have learned to fully trust and know that even if 6 months go by and we don't talk, that next conversation will be as comfortable as the last. The people who might as well be family at this point.
Sunday, December 5
Make two blogs?
So I told people my blog address...... I guess this means starting a new secret secondary blog so I can vent about the people who may or may not be reading this..... just kidding, or not, you just won't know will you.
Saturday, December 4
Friday, December 3
Eschew Obfuscation! and other rambling thoughts from another friday afternoon at work
I love words. Which is in no small part why I love books. Nothing makes my day better then using/reading/hearing a wellplaced obscure word. The more I learned German the more it seemed English was lacking. I would try and translate passages but found English lacked a concise match and often needed 3 or 4 words to make the same point. I can't think of any good examples at the moment but I think anyone who's learned much of another language knows what I'm talking about. Then I went to college and bought a new dictionary and began using it regularly. Amazing. What could be more satisfying then finding that one word, with all the right meanings and connotaions to perfectly complete your sentence. English is wonderful after all. Maybe this is why I love Shakespeare.... I love learning etymologies. I want to learn Latin for this reason alone.
I never claimed I was anything but a nerd. And this is even the nerd side people don't see very often. If you know me, you know about the Math, the patterns, the random and often useless facts, but it takes more time for the verbiage obsession to appear.
This is not to say I'm one of those people who runs around using big words needlessly in an attempt to prove that I'm well read and educated; no. If we're discussing Spanish Explorers in the 16th Century it is entirely appropriate to use the word Conquistador. Angie. One of my favorite phrases: Eschew Obfuscation. This of course has lead to all new problems, especially at my wonderful college prep high school with an English department that emphasized "showing" over "telling." Why use five words when one will do? because we say so. What if I can get my point across in three concise sentences, including supporting examples? too bad we still want it to be a three page paper. Do you live to torture me? yes it's called "preparing you for life after high school".
I think about the teachers I liked best in High School. Bad-ass Brian who called me on my bullshit essay about how I dislike normal english classes because we move too slowly dues to half the class being morons who can't discuss their own lives intelligently let alone the saitre of Jonathan Swift or the dystopian undertones of Huxley's Brave New World. But at the same time I refused to join the Advanced English track; mainly out of a desire to never write a 15 page essay on poetry. Or CLucas, who despite my petulant insistence that I only did math because I was good at it, told my parents at conferences "it's so wonderful to have a girl in the class who loves math." She was such a bitch, I hated her at the time. But one of these days I'm going to get back there and just say thank you. I'm graduating soon with a BS in mathematics. Who knew? She did. Damn I hate when other people are right like that. The teachers I like best are those willing to call me on my bullshit. hmmmm. That seems to be true with my friends too.
I'm one of those weird people who is quiet and reserved if I don't know you, but ask any of my friends and I'm definitely outgoing (see first post about the name). So I gravitate towards people who can, essentially, hold their own against me. I know who I am, do you know who you are? Colin once said that he was jealous because I was me and I had it all together, that I don't sweat the small stuff. But that's not true, I replied. I have God, and God has it all together. And I know that faith means there will be bumps and bruises and things I may never understand, but I will never lose His love. Matthew 6:33, 34 says seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these [Earthly] things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for God will take care of your tomorrow as well.
But this wasn't supposed to be about that. I was trying to write about my friends and my personality and how there's nothing more enjoyable then having a friendly arguement when I know I'm wrong but won't back down because it's more fun to argue and watch other people get worked up about it. The same way Twain and friends played dumb in "Innocents Abroad" in order to aggravate their tour guides. Example: I say Moose and Elk are essentially the same thing. I know this isn't true. I'm BSing again. I really need to learn to stop doing that. Most people wouldn't say anything, just smile and agree. Jess and Angie jump all over me. No they aren't. They have different antlers. Let me tell you it's pretty freaking hilarious to watch people try and demonstrate the differences between moose and elk antlers. They raged for 20 minutes, drawing everyone around us into the debate. I just sat back and laughed and enjoyed. Am I weird or what?
I never claimed I was anything but a nerd. And this is even the nerd side people don't see very often. If you know me, you know about the Math, the patterns, the random and often useless facts, but it takes more time for the verbiage obsession to appear.
This is not to say I'm one of those people who runs around using big words needlessly in an attempt to prove that I'm well read and educated; no. If we're discussing Spanish Explorers in the 16th Century it is entirely appropriate to use the word Conquistador. Angie. One of my favorite phrases: Eschew Obfuscation. This of course has lead to all new problems, especially at my wonderful college prep high school with an English department that emphasized "showing" over "telling." Why use five words when one will do? because we say so. What if I can get my point across in three concise sentences, including supporting examples? too bad we still want it to be a three page paper. Do you live to torture me? yes it's called "preparing you for life after high school".
I think about the teachers I liked best in High School. Bad-ass Brian who called me on my bullshit essay about how I dislike normal english classes because we move too slowly dues to half the class being morons who can't discuss their own lives intelligently let alone the saitre of Jonathan Swift or the dystopian undertones of Huxley's Brave New World. But at the same time I refused to join the Advanced English track; mainly out of a desire to never write a 15 page essay on poetry. Or CLucas, who despite my petulant insistence that I only did math because I was good at it, told my parents at conferences "it's so wonderful to have a girl in the class who loves math." She was such a bitch, I hated her at the time. But one of these days I'm going to get back there and just say thank you. I'm graduating soon with a BS in mathematics. Who knew? She did. Damn I hate when other people are right like that. The teachers I like best are those willing to call me on my bullshit. hmmmm. That seems to be true with my friends too.
I'm one of those weird people who is quiet and reserved if I don't know you, but ask any of my friends and I'm definitely outgoing (see first post about the name). So I gravitate towards people who can, essentially, hold their own against me. I know who I am, do you know who you are? Colin once said that he was jealous because I was me and I had it all together, that I don't sweat the small stuff. But that's not true, I replied. I have God, and God has it all together. And I know that faith means there will be bumps and bruises and things I may never understand, but I will never lose His love. Matthew 6:33, 34 says seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these [Earthly] things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for God will take care of your tomorrow as well.
But this wasn't supposed to be about that. I was trying to write about my friends and my personality and how there's nothing more enjoyable then having a friendly arguement when I know I'm wrong but won't back down because it's more fun to argue and watch other people get worked up about it. The same way Twain and friends played dumb in "Innocents Abroad" in order to aggravate their tour guides. Example: I say Moose and Elk are essentially the same thing. I know this isn't true. I'm BSing again. I really need to learn to stop doing that. Most people wouldn't say anything, just smile and agree. Jess and Angie jump all over me. No they aren't. They have different antlers. Let me tell you it's pretty freaking hilarious to watch people try and demonstrate the differences between moose and elk antlers. They raged for 20 minutes, drawing everyone around us into the debate. I just sat back and laughed and enjoyed. Am I weird or what?
Wednesday, December 1
Ask blog questions
After much "research" I've determined that the most interesting blogs are the ones where the writer is most willing to share... everything. And so I have to decide if I'm willing to do that. What if people I know start to read it? What if I talked about them? What if I have a huge complex about needing people to like me and they find out and then like me less (or something insecure like that)? So if I'm going to keep posting here do I have to just take that chance, say whatever happens happens, I don't have to explain myself any further? Why is that such a hard thing to do? Why did I already post a link to the website I put pictures at? Does that mean I've already decided that I'm ok with sharing? or are pictures less personal and therefore I don't care who sees them?
It is all or nothing. Sharing sucks. It means letting people know things that can be used against you. Why can't I trust people like that? Why do I keep people in my life that have already broken that trust and therefore make me all the more wary about sharing in the future? Why is this week's bible passage Luke 17:1-10 which includes one of the verses that has always haunted me, Luke 17:4 " If [your brother] sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." It's just so much easier to cut people out. Not that that's any better in the long run. Because then 2 years go by and you haven't seen the person who used to be your best friend, the person you weren't afraid to share with, and they're at a party and all you can say is "hi" and hide in the kitchen with the keg, telling yourself that you aren't avoiding her, you're just being social with all these other people you haven't seen in a few months. And then there's the friend who you've talked to about your bad habit of cutting people out and she can relate and you start to share with her too, but no it turns out sometimes she's even worse because she's a hypocrit and will throw things back in your face. But you're too nice to even betray her like that, no matter how much you want to shout her secrets to the world, so everyone can see who she really is.
Well I guess I've decided to share.
I'll try and still include random stories like I originally planned, but this may turn into one big vent more often then not.
It is all or nothing. Sharing sucks. It means letting people know things that can be used against you. Why can't I trust people like that? Why do I keep people in my life that have already broken that trust and therefore make me all the more wary about sharing in the future? Why is this week's bible passage Luke 17:1-10 which includes one of the verses that has always haunted me, Luke 17:4 " If [your brother] sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." It's just so much easier to cut people out. Not that that's any better in the long run. Because then 2 years go by and you haven't seen the person who used to be your best friend, the person you weren't afraid to share with, and they're at a party and all you can say is "hi" and hide in the kitchen with the keg, telling yourself that you aren't avoiding her, you're just being social with all these other people you haven't seen in a few months. And then there's the friend who you've talked to about your bad habit of cutting people out and she can relate and you start to share with her too, but no it turns out sometimes she's even worse because she's a hypocrit and will throw things back in your face. But you're too nice to even betray her like that, no matter how much you want to shout her secrets to the world, so everyone can see who she really is.
Well I guess I've decided to share.
I'll try and still include random stories like I originally planned, but this may turn into one big vent more often then not.
Sunday, November 28
Hang out with people from high school
So it was colin who told me that my stories ought to be posted and he said my stories were starting to sound more and more like Brandon L stories.... and then I ended up seeing and hanging out with Brandon tonight.... how crazy. We even made fun of the way he tells stories :D
I drove all the way up to Milwaukee tonight to go to Brent's party at 9. Matt and Tony and Drew were supposed to be there at 9:30 but of course they don't show until 11 something. When I walk in I say hi to Tate and his new girlfriend Lindsey (sp?) and Brandon and then who's in the kitchen? but of course Abby. It was great to see her and I really wish we had the chance to actually say more than a quick "Hi!" There were so many people there that I just hadn't seen in a while it was pretty awesome.... all WFBHS kids of course. Who knew you could major in nuclear engineering at madison???!!! Good times good times. And seeing Jim and bashing ISU with Amy... pleasant surprises. Aaah who needs 5 year high school reunions when you can get together with everyone you'd actually care to see over Thanksgiving!
well I'm still feeling a bit drunk so I should hit the sack.
I drove all the way up to Milwaukee tonight to go to Brent's party at 9. Matt and Tony and Drew were supposed to be there at 9:30 but of course they don't show until 11 something. When I walk in I say hi to Tate and his new girlfriend Lindsey (sp?) and Brandon and then who's in the kitchen? but of course Abby. It was great to see her and I really wish we had the chance to actually say more than a quick "Hi!" There were so many people there that I just hadn't seen in a while it was pretty awesome.... all WFBHS kids of course. Who knew you could major in nuclear engineering at madison???!!! Good times good times. And seeing Jim and bashing ISU with Amy... pleasant surprises. Aaah who needs 5 year high school reunions when you can get together with everyone you'd actually care to see over Thanksgiving!
well I'm still feeling a bit drunk so I should hit the sack.
Saturday, November 27
Tell Big Stories
If the sentence starts with "Hey let's..." I'll probably say yes. This has led to both a lot of fun and a good bit of trouble. I was recently told that my stories are random and that I ought to share them with the world.... so that's my plan.
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