Sometimes I feel like I'm living two lives.
I don't mean this in a sordid, deceitful way. I guess what I mean is that I haven't fully committed to my new life yet. Part of me feels like I'm still living the same life in Illinois and this whole North Carolina thing is just one long vacation. Is that weird? I don't remember feeling like this when I first moved to Illinois, but maybe I've just blocked it out.
And don't get me wrong, I'm loving North Carolina. Today, February 5th, it was 74 and sunny and I went to the driving range. Seriously. Amazing.
When I was graduating from high school the questions were, where am I going to go and what will I be doing. When it was time to leave Iowa I knew I was headed to Illinois but the unknown was what I would be doing there.
Now I've moved to NC (the where) and I work for Trader Joe's (the what), but I feel like there's still a big unknown staring back at me. (does that make any sense?) Like, now what? Is that an ungrateful question?
I prayed to find a job I could enjoy, and He answered. I prayed for something to catalyze me, to convince me it was time to leave my parents house again, and He answered. Now all I can think sometimes is, this is it?
And then I wonder why I'm so impatient. What am I in a hurry to get to? The rest of my life? This is the rest of my life. Every day is the rest of my life. Why can't I enjoy that? What is holding me back from diving into this new life? Why am I so restless?
So I sit here and play some of my favorite "thinking music" and ponder....
"As I sit here and think
About all that You've done
About how You gave me Your one and only Son
And I'm trying to fathom
All that You are, but so far, Lord
You're so beyond me
I fall down in reverence
And I fall down in fear
And I'm asking You, Lord, won't You please draw near
Won't You open my eyes
So that I can see
The way that You are working in me
All I need is Your love
To come and fill this heart of mine
My heart is a desert that has gone dry
And I need Your love to carry me by
And I lay down my life
And I put it before You
All that I am is in Your hands
And I'm not going to question, why You're so faithful
Why that You give me the blessings that You do have
Let the glory be known, let the glory be shown
I just lift You up unto the throne
You are my God, You are my King
To You I give, I give You everything
All that I need is Your love, my God"
- Shawn McDonald - All I need -
(Big Hooray for Amy Van Gorp who gave me this cd!)
3 comments:
I totally know what you mean, Alex. I have a job and I'm married and...annd...now what? I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something really important, but I know that that is my ego wanting more for myself, and not God, who is telling me to love and be thankful for my small life. It's hard to feel like you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. Every day I have to remember the "imprint eternity on my heart" thing and know that there is more going on than me sitting in a cubicle writing about heating units. (Oh, there has to be more....) :)
Anyway, you are not alone, and I miss you!
I totally know what you mean too. and not to be morbid or anything, but since my mom died right as I graduated from high school, I have seriously felt like at each big step of my life she'll come back, like she was on a vacation from me throughout college. Weird. I know. And do I get Jenna's comment too! Oh man. (and you do miss 20+ inches of snow, i know you do...)
Alex - I do rock, yay Shawn McDonald :)
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