not...

One day my high school band director came to class looking pretty horrible, like he was upset about something. We assumed it was a family member or a friend but instead he told us this:

That day the paper had yet another story of a high school shooting and he couldn't help it, he just started crying. His wife told him it was all right, no one they knew, not even this state, he didn't have to let it destroy him like that. But he did. These were innocent kids, someone elses students. He said 'It should make me cry. These kids matter. This is tragic.'

I remember thinking I wish I felt the same way. That I was that empathetic. I'm not. I can't afford to be. There's so much wrong in the world, so much pain and injustice that if every thing cut right through my heart I couldn't read the papers any more, I couldn't hear any news.

There's a song by Kurt Bestor - The Prayer of the Children. Men's Choir sang it at a concert that same semester. My friend Liz, her dad's a photographer for the Milwaukee Journal, supplied pictures of children living in poverty from around the world and they were displayed throughout the song. My heart breaks all over again when I hear it. It was one of those surreal moments both for what it was and what happened as soon as it started. A cell phone rang. (This alone would get you shunned from all further choir concerts, but interrupting this song?) The reality of the world we live in stood up and said 'Remember me? Your job, house, kids, whatever?' The woman felt horrible and apoligized profusely. The song was stopped, the concert puased and then it started over. What timing.

Moments of vulnerability are all I can afford. 20 minutes to cry and ask 'what can I do?' 'where do we go from here?' It's not right. But it's life. The lives we lead. The world we live in. I want to believe my heart isn't hardened to tragedy, I want to believe it's absorbant. The knowledge always present, the feelings, the pain always there. Give it a little sqeeze and it all comes flowing out. I just can't live thinking about tragedy all the time. There's a lot of good. Life should be enjoyed. It's ok to watch star wars and read about our generation. If that sounds callow it's not meant that way. It's about balance. The 10 other good things you did yesterday shouldn't become meaningless because you did 5 stupid things and didn't do that one thing.

I'm not looking to argue; to be right, to be wrong. Just to be honest.